The line at the Mayo Clinic stretched 250 people-long at the check-in counter.

In these parts of Minnesota, where water freezes faster than a teething baby cries, there’s only one speed which things move at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester: Fast.

Evergreen Park Diamondback pitcher Ed Sochacki checked into the clinic this morning at 7:30am for preliminary blood and urine analysis and found himself behind a line longer than at the premier of a Harry Potter movie. 20 minutes later though, Sochacki was taken to a room were the test were done and sent off for processing.

Said Sochacki, “I have never, ever seen anything like this in my life. You couldn’t run a cafeteria line faster than this.”

After his 7:30am check-in, it was a quick walk across the street to the Gonda Building for an electrocardiogram and then over to the Mayo Building for some X-rays. Total time passed for the two procedures was 30 minutes, including the walk. The coordinated effectiveness of the entire medical staff at Mayo was truly awe inspiring.

“It took 7 hours in bad weather to drive up here from Chicago,” said Sochacki. “I could get back in the car, drive home, and still be back sooner than what it would have taken to get all of these test completed in Chicago. I’m getting my results at 1:30pm and meeting with the doctor that runs the Executive Health Program.”

Least anyone get any ideas that Sochacki is receiving special treatment because of his status as a semi-professional athlete, they would be wrong. According to several staff members at Mayo, everyone receives the same, expedited treatment.

Sochacki’s afternoon includes a medical information review at 1:30pm followed by a full health examination at 2pm and finally concluding for the day with a cardiovascular stress test at 3:45pm. Two more full days of test follow, but as of now, Sochacki says he feels upbeat.

“I just want everyone to know how incredible of a place this is, and it’s something that hopefully, you never have to experience, but if you do, this is the place to be. I’m in good hands.”

Sochacki can be followed on Twitter under the user “edsohotski”

“What better way to ‘go green’ and save some green at the same time?” said Ed Sochacki, founder of Build-A-Tree. “Most people know exactly what they want out of a [Christmas/Holiday] Tree, but Mother Nature tends to have her own ideas which don’t see eye-to-eye with the consumer. Our customers are the only ones that can claim they specifically picked the branches on their Holiday Tree.”

Sochacki says he came upon the idea for his seasonal operation when news broke that President Obama, on a whim, planned to rename the White House Christmas Tree a “Holiday Tree” to cover his ass with his liberal, non-Christian voting contingent. Sochacki says he felt that if it could be that easy for Obama to rename the evergreen, then reselling hacked-off, dying tree branches to those same voters should be a breeze.

“We are only two weeks into the season and I’m nearly sold out,” he said.

“I have a huge customer base.” said Sochacki. “Living on the outskirts of Chicago, the business has thrived due to its proximity to the tremendous number of environmentalists, honest politicians, Obama-backers, and bleeding-heart liberals. And, because we had the foresight to accept food stamps, we have a number of unemployed and homeless customers too.”

While the customers were sure to come a-calling, Sochacki admitted he was initially torn about hacking off branches from three 100-year old evergreens that lined his property, but felt much better once he decided to repackage the yard waste as an eco-friendly alternative to a live or artificial tree. “The $2.5 million in interest-free government stimulus money I qualified for by opening a green business helped too,” he said.

Before the tree-shopping season ends, Sochacki hopes his new business will realize a $400 profit from branch sales and an additional $250,000 from short-term, high-interest loans given to local government municipalities for social programs from the stimulus money he received.

Sochacki sells each tree at a $1.49 per branch, but offers a 20% discount and carbon-credit voucher for purchases of 40 branches or more. And Sochacki admits that while the needles on the tree branches will fall off much sooner than that of a freshly cut evergreen, he has a no-return policy. “You have to remember, these customers of mine are the same people that ushered in “hope” and “change” back in November of 2008 and now half of them want their vote back, but it’s too late. Do I feel I’m taking advantage of them?” he asked. “Not at all. I’m nurturing their inner child and helping them feel good about themselves. They are all real winners in my book.”

While things are looking rosey, Sochacki admits to one hardship. “I’m behind in getting my Holiday Cards out this year, but I’ll get to them as soon as I send Al Gore his recycled, customized, Holiday Wreath and thank you card.”

And for those Wall Street tycoons out there looking for an early Holiday gift, Sochacki said plans are in the works to take his Build-A-Tree business public with an IPO at the beginning of 2010. Happy Holidays!

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“Perfecto Chili” Ingredients:
2 lbs Ground Chuck
16 oz. Sirloin Tips, cubed
3 Jalapeno Peppers, deseeded and chopped
3 Habanero Peppers, deseeded and chopped
1 large Green Pepper, deseeded and chopped
3 15 oz. cans of spicy Joan of Arc Chili Beans
1 15 oz. can of Joan of Arc Black Beans
2 15 oz. cans of Joan of Arc Kidney Beans
2 15 oz. cans of whole corn, drained
1 large carrot, thinly sliced
3 28 oz. cans of crushed red tomatoes
3 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
1 teaspoon of sugar
1 tablespoon of sea salt
2 tablespoons of A1 steak sauce
2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon of chili powder
1/2 tablespoon of black pepper
1/2 tablespoon of tabasco sauce

In a large skillet, start by browning the ground chuck, draining the fat once completely browned. In the same skillet, add the cubed sirloin steak and brown.

In a separate 10-quart stock pot, combine the crushed red tomatoes, chili beans, black beans, kidney beans, carrot, corn, Jalapeno, Habenero, and green peppers together over a medium heat. Continuing stirring and add the browned ground chuck and cubed sirloin steak into the pot. Add the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil with the lid covering the pot. After 10 minutes of boiling, reduce the heat to medium, remove the lid and let the chili simmer for 2 hours.

When serving, add an optional dollop of sour cream and a pinch of sharp cheddar. This recipe yields about 12 to 14 large bowls of chili – perfect for feeding guests this holiday!

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Fearing the new owner of the Cubs would start a fire sale of under-performing superstars and untalented farm-club prospects, as well as issuing contract extensions to deserving players, the Tribute Company filed for Chapter 11 protection – not for financial reasons, but to protect the franchise from possibly winning a World Series title.

“We signed Milton Bradley, Kosuke Fukudome, Kevin Gregg and Alfonso Soriano for a reason,” said Cubs general manager Jim Hendry. “These guys, for what they were paid, come out every day and do little to justify their salaries. But that’s exactly what we want from them.”

According to some owners around the league, the Chicago Cubs franchise is worth more as a team without a World Series title than with one. Said one owner (asking to be unnamed), “name one other team in all of professional sports that could consistently draw millions of clueless fans to the park every year under the banner of ‘hope’ and ‘progress’.

Back in 1909, the Chicago Cubs marketing department came up with the slogan, “Wait ‘til next year” after a disappointing season and since then, it’s become the longest-running tag line in the history of advertising.

“We could have brought in better talent, like an Alex Rodriguez or Jake Peavy, and we could have let underperformers like Bradley and Soriano sign with other teams, but then, we’d have to go out and spend additional money on an advertising agency that understands how to market a winning product, like BHI Design or one of the other elite creative agencies out there,” said Hendry. “Why pay for a new creative campaign when the one from 101 years ago still works?”

Insiders within the Ricketts circle have been fuming over the Chapter 11 clause and are now more determined than ever to purchase the team and put them on a winning course. To help expedite the transition, the Federal Trade Commission was asked to look into anti-trust violations committed by The Tribune Company. According to legal documents obtained by TomJalana.com, the Cubs stand accused of creating a monopoly on losing, with several current baseball owners supporting the claim.

“I’ve owned my team for decades, and no matter what (POS) team I put on the field year-after-year, the Cubs consistently have a longer run at failure and thus, a leg-up on my team when it comes to attracting sympathy supporters,” said the owner. “They’ve been the lovable losers for as long as anyone alive can remember.”

If the FTC finds in favor of Ricketts and his ownership team, the Tribune Company will be forced into one of two decisions. They will either finalize their deal with Ricketts and nullify several multi-year contracts with current players allowed to take lateral positions as delivery drivers within the Tribune Company for the same pay and the Cubs will have the Chapter 11 status removed, or, the deal will be voided, leaving the Cubs in the hands of its current owner for the next several years.

Said one current Tribune executive, “this team, the one that won nothing in 100 years, was worth $1 billion before the recession hit and if we decide to hold on to the team until the economy recovers in a few years, someone will pay $1.1 billion for it. That’s a $335 million net gain, so why sell?”

Other executives aren’t as positive and think the team should be sold now. “The city lost the Olympic bid for 2016, and with it went all the world’s media and attention on what we have going on up north.” The Obama’s, Daley’s and Winfrey – they’re Sox fans, so is it a surprise we lost the bid?” he said.

Said another, “We sell losing, curses and eternal optimism and the Chinese don’t import that. As a matter of fact, they have a few “prospects” they’d like to export to us to help us start heading in the right direction – and that would make for bad business, so the time to sell is now.”

Regardless of the outcome, expect more of the same from the loveable losers from the Northside, and in the meantime, look for Peter Francis Geracci and his Chapter 11 commercials to become a big sponsor for the Cubs team in 2010.