Click on the following link for the podcast: Jalanacast Ep1

INGREDIENTS:
2 – 1lb. bags of Kraft Shredded Low-Moisture, Part-Skim Mozzarela Cheese
48oz. of Frigo Part-Skim Ricotta Cheese
8oz. of thinly-sliced Provolone Cheese
2oz. of shredded Parmesan Cheese
2oz. of grated Romano Cheese
2 – 4oz. containers of Athenos Garlic & Herb Feta Cheese
1lb. ground lean turkey
1lb. ground pork
2lb. 80% lean ground beef
3oz. of thinly-sliced Proscuitto
3oz. of thinly-sliced Pancetta
48oz. of Barilla Italian Baking Sauce
14.5oz. Muir Glen Organic Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes
2tbs. dried Italian seasoning
2tbs. dried parsley
1tps. garlic powder
2tps. salt
1tps. black pepper
1 box Barilla Lasagna noodles

Editor’s Note: During the assembly process, it became clear that the baking dish that was to be originally used wasn’t large enough to hold all the ingredients. Chef Jalana, seeing this would be an issue, quickly devised two recipes out of the ingredients above. For Chef Jalana’s Republican Lasagna, read on. For his Democratic Pasta, click here.

Republican Lasagna Assembly/Cooking instructions
Start by bringing a large pot of water to a boil and submerse 5 lasagna noodles at a time for cooking. Remove the noodles once al dente and place on a moist towel for drying. Repeat as many times as necessary until all noodles are cook.

In a frying pan, begin browning the pork and turkey. Add half the amount of salt, pepper, parsley, garlic powder and Italian seasoning while browning the two meats. Once cooked through, drain the fat and remove the ground meat into a large bowl. Using the same frying pan, brown the ground beef and add the remaining spices. Drain fat and combine the browned ground beef in the same bowl with the turkey and pork.

Now the layering process begins. Drizzle olive oil on the base of the cooking pan and use a napkin to spread it around for equal coverage. Arrange a base of lasagna noodles on the bottom. Equally distribute the slices of Proscuitto to cover the pasta. Follow this layer by adding a new layer containing the mixture of beef, pork and turkey. Cover this layer with a generous portion of the Barilla Baking Sauce. Next, lay a base of Ricotta cheese over the sauce, followed by two evenly distributed cups of Mozzarela cheese. Next, sprinkle 1/8 cup of Romano and Parmesan across the top.

Once again, lay another base of Lasagna noodles, followed by the beef/pork/turkey mixture, another layer of Barilla Baking Sauce, then Ricotta, two more cups of Mozzarela and another 1/8 cup of Roman and Parmesan. Add a layer of the Pancetta to cover everything, and finally, place the last layer of lasagna noodles on top and distribute slices of Provolone and one final cup of Mozzarela. Salt and pepper the top layer and finally, cover it with more baking sauce.

Cover the pan with aluminum foil, keeping the foil pitched in the center so as not to have the cheese melt to it. Place the pan in a pre-heated over at 375-degrees and cook for 45 minutes. Remove the aluminum foil and leave the pan in the over for another 5 minutes, so as to brown the top layer of cheese. Remove from the over and let it rest for 5 minutes before cutting and serving.

Palos Heights Mayor Bob Straz practices for the upcoming Chamber of Commerce Annual Scholarship Golf Outing at Water's Edge Golf Course

If you thought Tiger Woods was the best golfer in the world, think again.

Palos Heights Mayor Bob Straz has been honing his golf game for the past 12 months and says he’s “never been golfing better.” TJSN analyst agree that Straz may just possibly be better than Tiger Woods was in his prime – possibly.

“I’ve been golfing a long, long time,” said Straz, “mostly in community and charity events but I think now’s the time to unleash my “A” game.”

Straz is no stranger to the game. As Mayor of Palos Heights, he’s had to rub elbows with some of the best golfers in the area each year when they attend the Palos Heights Chamber of Commerce Annual Scholarship Golf Outing. This year though, Straz expects to mop up the competition.

“A lot of people don’t know how good I really am. People will tell you that I shoot in the high 90’s, but when you adjust that number for relative inflation and subtract the current interest rates associated with my score, federal bail-out money and the National Debt, you’ll see that the real number is closer to low-60’s. And that goes for every round.”

Straz issued a challenge that he’d like to see as many people as possible to come out and be part of the Palos Heights Chamber of Commerce Annual Scholarship Golf Outing, which is being held this year on Wednesday, August 11th at Water’s Edge Golf Course. If not to come out to try and beat him and his team, then to help support the college scholarship funds the event raises for local-area high school seniors.

TJSN found some footage from a recent practice session the mayor had last week and issued the following statement: “We here at TJSN believe that if the Mayor Straz plays anything like the putting he displayed in this video, other foursomes will have no problem beating his team on August 11th. While we publicly apologize to Mayor Straz for airing this video, we hope that it encourages people to download the registration form and come out and “stick it to the man” and his team.”

If the weather forecast were correct, the Evergreen Park Diamondbacks would have been looking at a rain out for opening day, and the only fan in the stands would have been left packing. Instead, the clouds provided the Windy City Devils with little cover from the Diamondback pitching staff.

With 10 minutes before the start of the game, the Diamondbacks shuffled their lineup around like a willow tree blowing in the wind – with a makeshift defense that resembled rejected roadies from a Winger concert. Several key players from the team had thought the game would be rained out and failed to make the trip, while another was missing in action after attending prom night with a (apparent) minor.

Despite the challenges and missing equipment, the Diamondbacks managed to field a team of nine players to take on the Windy City Devils.

Game One opened with veteran RHP Ed Sochacki taking the mound for the Diamondbacks, pitching a strong 3.1 innings with 6 K’s without allowing an earned run. He exited in the 4th inning, trailing 3-2, yielding to Nate (we don’t have his last name just yet), who was noticeably beefier coming into this season from his rookie season with the D-Backs in 2008. Nate picked up the win when the Diamondbacks rallied, scoring 4 runs over the last three innings. The Devils didn’t go quietly though and made a comeback in the bottom of the 7th, but fell short by a run. The Diamondbacks won, 7-6.

Fresh off the heels of their victory in the first game, Don Mycek took the hill in Game 2. Picking of where he left off at the end of last season, Mycek made short work of the first three Devils hitters, retiring them on back-to-back strikeouts and a fly-out.

The Diamondbacks came to the plate for their first at-bats in Game 2, but had to wait 13 pitches, and four batters later to see their first hittable pitch of the inning. After plating three runs in the first, the Diamondbacks added another four runs in the second inning.

Matt Flavin came on in the 5th inning in relief of Mycek and did an exceptional job, closing out the game.

The Devils threatened several times throughout the course of the game and managed to score five runs of their own, but ultimately came up short, losing the second game, 7-5.

The sweep by the Diamondbacks on opening day is their first since 2006, and should pave the way to another winning season. Reinforcements should arrive next week for the D-Backs as Thad Sochacki will make his comeback after season-ending surgery on his ACL, and Eddie Milas doesn’t have a prom to attend. Also expected back are Ronnie “Boo-boo” Coleman and Luis Ramirez, both of which now possess manager Senese’s cell phone number and can call in to verify their availability for the games.

“Everyone knows that if I don’t call you, it means that the game is taking place,” Senese said. “We don’t have a switchboard operator that is going to make calls to everyone to tell them to show up.”

While Senese was correct that the Diamondbacks do not have a switchboard in place to reach their players in an expedited manner, sources within the organization say that funding was approved in 2007 to purchase the communications system.

“I’ve been a member on this team since 1998,” said veteran pitcher Ed Sochacki, “and I know that we had raised concerns about the speed in which information was delivered to the players. I had thought that (Senese) made the purchase.”

Other team members agreed and have now begun questioning other apparent purchases made on behalf of the organization and have never seemed to materialize.

“I purchased a whole new set of catcher’s gear for the team just last year, and here we are on Opening Day and it’s missing,” said Jim Cezak. “I’m not going to point any fingers at anyone, but is it possible that someone traded that in, along with their gold chains in a Cash4Gold.com scam? I don’t know… but certainly I’m starting to open my eyes.”

Fortunately for the Diamondbacks, the Cicero Devils showed why they are a class-act organization and allowed the Diamondbacks to utilize their catcher’s helmet and several batters’ helmets.

Senese, when questioned, said that there was some confusion as to whether former manager Joe Cipolla was going to be coming to the game and whether he would be bringing the equipment.

“It’s all safe and nobody traded it in for cash – neither at Cash4Gold.com or at Play It Again Sports. We have it. It’s here. Everyone can call off the dogs,” he said.

But the response from Senese is a familiar one to a number of players on the team. As of the start of the 2010 season, the Diamondbacks are missing more than 15 team jerseys from former players that either didn’t return to play another year or, didn’t pay team fees for the jerseys they kept. Several jerseys have been spotted in recent months on eBay, selling for just over $165 – well above retail and the back-of-the-trunk pricing found on Maxwell Street.

“I don’t know where the jerseys are,” said Senese – who just so happened to be sporting a new Rawlings 6-finger glove and mobile phone, “but I’ll look into these allegations and keep everyone posted.”

In the meantime, Diamondback players that are uncertain about the status of Sunday morning games should call Senese directly on his mobile phone hotline with questions. And, as Senese eventually figures out how to record a message on his phone, he’ll provide updates through the voicemail feature.

That should be all the D-Backs need to field a full team for the rest of the season, jerseys or not.

Don’t worry about the Pancetta, Proscuitto, Provolone, Romano, Feta and Parmasen. Those are Italian and Greek products and may offend your guests’ taste buds. Just focus on using the Ricotta and Mozzarela as those two ingredients are liked and widely accepted by nearly every nationality, Hollywood elites and local union leaders. Plus reducing the amount of ingredients will make it harder to screw anything up. For the sauce, use something red-colored and authentic-sounding, like Prego.

Now, carefully follow this repeating layering pattern: noodles, beef, cheese, sauce, noodles, beef, cheese, sauce.

We are almost there and we know you are finally getting the hang of it, but CAUTION! The last two steps are different, so pay close attention. After the sauce (from the previously mentioned pattern), you add the noodles BUT, the last step – contrary to what you may think, is not beef. It’s cheese! That’s right! Cheese!

Now, if you’ve used too much of any of the ingredients and don’t have enough to complete the recipe, fear not. Call your neighbor and see if they have any of the items. You can pay them back later. Just remind them that sharing is caring.

Finally, stick the pan in the preheated over to bake for 20 minutes (be sure you have adult supervision when operating the oven – ovens have been known to burn people). Using oven mitts, remove the pan from the oven, being careful not to touch the sides of the oven. If you do happen to burn yourself, contact your lawyer and start a class-action lawsuit against the oven manufacturer. If nothing’s gone amiss, the pan is ready to rest. Let the piping-hot lasagna cool before serving.

While this Democratic Lasagna will lack the complex flavors from its Republican counterpart, it can be made by anyone of voting age. While this recipe has been described by many as generic, bland and unoriginal, we think it’s the best lasagna recipe we know because you get more of the same, bite after bite. It’s cheaper and faster to make, and, you can tell your friends just how much you respect and appreciate the delicate intricacies of Italian cooking when talking to them on your Palm Treo between reruns of Jersey Shore, the final season of Oprah Winfrey and episodes of the Rachel Maddow Show.

The line at the Mayo Clinic stretched 250 people-long at the check-in counter.

In these parts of Minnesota, where water freezes faster than a teething baby cries, there’s only one speed which things move at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester: Fast.

Evergreen Park Diamondback pitcher Ed Sochacki checked into the clinic this morning at 7:30am for preliminary blood and urine analysis and found himself behind a line longer than at the premier of a Harry Potter movie. 20 minutes later though, Sochacki was taken to a room were the test were done and sent off for processing.

Said Sochacki, “I have never, ever seen anything like this in my life. You couldn’t run a cafeteria line faster than this.”

After his 7:30am check-in, it was a quick walk across the street to the Gonda Building for an electrocardiogram and then over to the Mayo Building for some X-rays. Total time passed for the two procedures was 30 minutes, including the walk. The coordinated effectiveness of the entire medical staff at Mayo was truly awe inspiring.

“It took 7 hours in bad weather to drive up here from Chicago,” said Sochacki. “I could get back in the car, drive home, and still be back sooner than what it would have taken to get all of these test completed in Chicago. I’m getting my results at 1:30pm and meeting with the doctor that runs the Executive Health Program.”

Least anyone get any ideas that Sochacki is receiving special treatment because of his status as a semi-professional athlete, they would be wrong. According to several staff members at Mayo, everyone receives the same, expedited treatment.

Sochacki’s afternoon includes a medical information review at 1:30pm followed by a full health examination at 2pm and finally concluding for the day with a cardiovascular stress test at 3:45pm. Two more full days of test follow, but as of now, Sochacki says he feels upbeat.

“I just want everyone to know how incredible of a place this is, and it’s something that hopefully, you never have to experience, but if you do, this is the place to be. I’m in good hands.”

Sochacki can be followed on Twitter under the user “edsohotski”

Evergreen Park Diamondback veteran pitcher Ed Sochacki was looking forward to reporting to the team’s Spring Training facilities at the beginning of March but rather than heading south, he’s heading north two weeks earlier to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota for a comprehensive health evaluation.

Sochacki cut his 2009 baseball season short, foregoing Lombard’s Fall Ball league due to an undisclosed medical ailment that had been ailing him since September 2008, despite going 8-0 with a 2.43 ERA over 11 appearances with the D-Backs last summer.

According to team sources who asked to be unnamed, Sochacki’s announcement of his four-day trip comes at a surprise and at an interesting time in the franchise’s history as their core group of players are aging/retiring and there’s little progress in signing younger talent because of the team’s financial situation. Sochacki said that on numerous occasions, his agent attempted to contact manager Sergio Senese to apprise him of the situation, but that none of the calls were returned. Said Sochacki “if (Senese) cares about my status, he can pick up the phone and call me, or my agent. He has the number.”

This situation isn’t the first time something like this has been seen on Chicago’s southside. In 2005, after spending eight seasons with the Chicago White Sox, Maggilo Ordóñez signed with the Detroit Tigers after the Sox were unable to reach his agent for a report on the extent of a knee injury suffered when colliding with infielder Willie Harris.

Former Diamondback manager Joe Cipolla weighed in on the situation from his home in Lombard. Said Cipolla, “If Senese remembers history correctly, he might want to contact his player, or risk losing him to free agency. Maybe he should ask Ozzie Guillen if he regrets any of his decisions in ‘04,” he said.

According to several Diamondback players, the relationship between Sochacki and Senese could be described as “tepid” at best. The two exchanged words via their respective websites last year; Sochacki authoring the now-famous video “Argentina Not Crying for Senese” (in response to Senese’s tyraid against his players last June), Senese rebutting (July ‘09) by removing Sochacki’s 2008 pitching stats from the team’s website – in addition to removing the link to TomJalana.com, and finally this past fall, with Sochacki modifying a scene from Tom Cruise’s “Valkyrie” poking fun at the lack of current information on the team’s website.

With the team’s annual candlelight bowling fundraiser coming up on February 27, Sochacki’s attendance, or lack there of it, will give Senese, other teams in the league, and the public a good indication on what jersey, if any, he will be wearing at the start of the 2010 season.

Tomjalana.com will be sending a reporter to the Mayo Clinic to provide coverage on the situation surrounding Sochacki’s health and any breaking news on his future with the team. For the most up-to-the-moment coverage, fans are encouraged to follow @tomjalana on Twitter or Tom Jalana on Facebook.

“What better way to ‘go green’ and save some green at the same time?” said Ed Sochacki, founder of Build-A-Tree. “Most people know exactly what they want out of a [Christmas/Holiday] Tree, but Mother Nature tends to have her own ideas which don’t see eye-to-eye with the consumer. Our customers are the only ones that can claim they specifically picked the branches on their Holiday Tree.”

Sochacki says he came upon the idea for his seasonal operation when news broke that President Obama, on a whim, planned to rename the White House Christmas Tree a “Holiday Tree” to cover his ass with his liberal, non-Christian voting contingent. Sochacki says he felt that if it could be that easy for Obama to rename the evergreen, then reselling hacked-off, dying tree branches to those same voters should be a breeze.

“We are only two weeks into the season and I’m nearly sold out,” he said.

“I have a huge customer base.” said Sochacki. “Living on the outskirts of Chicago, the business has thrived due to its proximity to the tremendous number of environmentalists, honest politicians, Obama-backers, and bleeding-heart liberals. And, because we had the foresight to accept food stamps, we have a number of unemployed and homeless customers too.”

While the customers were sure to come a-calling, Sochacki admitted he was initially torn about hacking off branches from three 100-year old evergreens that lined his property, but felt much better once he decided to repackage the yard waste as an eco-friendly alternative to a live or artificial tree. “The $2.5 million in interest-free government stimulus money I qualified for by opening a green business helped too,” he said.

Before the tree-shopping season ends, Sochacki hopes his new business will realize a $400 profit from branch sales and an additional $250,000 from short-term, high-interest loans given to local government municipalities for social programs from the stimulus money he received.

Sochacki sells each tree at a $1.49 per branch, but offers a 20% discount and carbon-credit voucher for purchases of 40 branches or more. And Sochacki admits that while the needles on the tree branches will fall off much sooner than that of a freshly cut evergreen, he has a no-return policy. “You have to remember, these customers of mine are the same people that ushered in “hope” and “change” back in November of 2008 and now half of them want their vote back, but it’s too late. Do I feel I’m taking advantage of them?” he asked. “Not at all. I’m nurturing their inner child and helping them feel good about themselves. They are all real winners in my book.”

While things are looking rosey, Sochacki admits to one hardship. “I’m behind in getting my Holiday Cards out this year, but I’ll get to them as soon as I send Al Gore his recycled, customized, Holiday Wreath and thank you card.”

And for those Wall Street tycoons out there looking for an early Holiday gift, Sochacki said plans are in the works to take his Build-A-Tree business public with an IPO at the beginning of 2010. Happy Holidays!

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“Perfecto Chili” Ingredients:
2 lbs Ground Chuck
16 oz. Sirloin Tips, cubed
3 Jalapeno Peppers, deseeded and chopped
3 Habanero Peppers, deseeded and chopped
1 large Green Pepper, deseeded and chopped
3 15 oz. cans of spicy Joan of Arc Chili Beans
1 15 oz. can of Joan of Arc Black Beans
2 15 oz. cans of Joan of Arc Kidney Beans
2 15 oz. cans of whole corn, drained
1 large carrot, thinly sliced
3 28 oz. cans of crushed red tomatoes
3 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
1 teaspoon of sugar
1 tablespoon of sea salt
2 tablespoons of A1 steak sauce
2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon of chili powder
1/2 tablespoon of black pepper
1/2 tablespoon of tabasco sauce

In a large skillet, start by browning the ground chuck, draining the fat once completely browned. In the same skillet, add the cubed sirloin steak and brown.

In a separate 10-quart stock pot, combine the crushed red tomatoes, chili beans, black beans, kidney beans, carrot, corn, Jalapeno, Habenero, and green peppers together over a medium heat. Continuing stirring and add the browned ground chuck and cubed sirloin steak into the pot. Add the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil with the lid covering the pot. After 10 minutes of boiling, reduce the heat to medium, remove the lid and let the chili simmer for 2 hours.

When serving, add an optional dollop of sour cream and a pinch of sharp cheddar. This recipe yields about 12 to 14 large bowls of chili – perfect for feeding guests this holiday!

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